A Sex Guide for Busy Mums
With Jo Hemmings, Behavioural Psychologist and Sex and Relationship Expert
Having a new baby, or simply raising toddlers and older children often leave mums without the energy or the inclination to enjoy a good sex life. And we can’t blame you!
While it’s completely understandable - the combination of fatigue and stress, childcare and hormonal changes, plus baby belly and discomfort, all conspire to prevent us from indulging in the sexual pleasure we enjoyed before giving birth. And that’s before the psychological elements kick in - where we begin to perceive ourselves as more of a mother than a lover.
We naturally separate ourselves from sex after having children. In evolutionary terms, we are programmed to avoid sex in the first few months after giving birth, to prevent us from having another baby too soon!
However, given that sex - and a good, regular and varied sex life - is fundamental to a healthy relationship, how do you get both your libido and your sex life back on track? It’s all too easy to slip from the role of a lover to a mother and spend all your precious time and energy on family life rather than couple time. This can also be applicable if you’re a single mum, as the prospect of dating seems far less important than feeding mouths and running a household. So let’s look at ways in which you can reignite and preserve that precious intimacy - allowing you to enjoy both roles, rather than feeling that you have had to make a choice between the two.
The last thing you want to be worrying about when trying to get your sex life sizzling again is the prospect of having another baby too soon! If you’ve just given birth and can’t contemplate having penetrative sex for a while or you’ve fallen out of the habit of having sex, you’ll want to ensure that you are prepared for the moment when it happens. As a busy mum, you may not have time to think about contraception daily, so why not consider an effective long acting method instead? LARCs offer convenient alternatives and once fitted can be used for up to ten years depending on the type chosen, allowing you more time to focus on getting your sex life back on track. Please refer to the contraception section for further information and visit www.contraception.co.uk
As a busy mum, you may not have time to think about contraception
With a whole new way of life to think about, it’s not surprising that our sex drives take something of a back seat when motherhood takes over. Sheer exhaustion and lack of time can often make sex a really low priority. You may still have feelings of sexual arousal, but absolutely no inclination to do anything about it! For some women these feelings of anxiety about a lack of libido are compounded by the fact that your sex drive may have been stronger than ever during pregnancy. And while men often want sex again, women are more likely to simply want a hug or two rather than full on sex - this is due to extra helpings of oxytocin, the ‘cuddle hormone’ that kicks in when we have given birth and when we are breastfeeding, to help us bond with our baby. It’s important to remember that your lack of sex drive is extremely unlikely to be permanent, so please don’t worry. Our libidos ebb and flow and are affected by a number of different issues including stress, fatigue, hormonal changes, weight gain or loss, body image and medication. It can also take up to two years for your sex drive to return to its pre-pregnancy levels - so don’t be too hard on yourself.
It’s important to remember that if your sex drive is lacking it is unlikely to be permanent
Our bodies go through massive changes during pregnancy and after birth and while we may look enviously at airbrushed pictures of a celebrity who seems to have miraculously pinged back to her pre-baby weight and shape just a few weeks after birth, the same cannot be said for the vast majority of us! There’s a seemingly endless and alarming list of physical changes - sore breasts which change shape and seem to become desexualised during breastfeeding; stretch marks; flabby post baby tums and vaginal discomfort. These concerns affect our body image, which in turn affects our desire to have sex. But while you might feel anxious about these changes and question your desirability, there’s a very high chance that your partner will find you sexier than ever - what’s not to like about bigger hips and breasts? Using soft tea lights or a gentle low wattage lamp when you make love can make you feel a whole lot more comfortable about getting your sex life back into gear again. Treat yourself to things that make you feel special - new underwear, a manicure, some scented body lotion or a beauty treatment. Learning to understand as well as love your body can help enormously - pregnancy and childbirth often means that we lose touch with our own sex appeal and that affects our interest in the bedroom. Buy a decent vibrator or other sex toy or use your fingers and get to know more about your vagina and clitoris. Understand what it is that you enjoy most in bed and make sure you share this knowledge with your partner, especially during this period of transition.
There’s a very high chance that your partner will find you sexier than ever
Once out the habit of having regular sex, it’s very easy just to withdraw from the subject altogether. Many women make excuses not to have sex. This is masking the real truth - that you’re simply not ready yet or just not in the mood. If you don’t talk to your partner honestly, then you’re in danger of setting up a vicious cycle of non-communication that can alienate your partner and ultimately damage your relationship. Keeping in touch with each other’s feelings is essential. It’s not about blame or shame - it’s simply about sharing your feelings during this period of adjustment. It’s perfectly natural to still fancy your man but not actually want to make love to him, so you should reassure him of your feelings as openly as possible. You don’t want to extinguish the fire - just dampen the flames for a while.
Many women make excuses not to have sex
If you’re in a relationship, becoming a mum will inevitably change your relationship with your partner, but this isn’t necessarily detrimental. Of course your lifestyle roles and priorities will change but it’s important not to lose sight of what you loved about each other before you became parents. Get sleep whenever you can - a daytime nap is always good - as fatigue is one of the major reasons for lack of sex drive. Make a regular date night with your partner - get friends or family to look after the children for an evening and enjoy a special night alone together. Eat together at the dining table, light a few candles, turn your phones off, play some ambient music and don’t allow yourselves to discuss the kids. Secondly, don’t fight the sexual urges you may get because you think you don’t have time - an afternoon quickie on the stairs is a much-underrated way of enjoying sex when you’re too tired at bedtime. Remember that as a new mum especially, it’s very easy to forget how to have fun! If you’re single, then make time for your love life and get back on the dating scene by arranging a night out with single friends or try something new such as joining a new sports or book club where you’ll have the opportunity to meet new people.
It’s important not to lose sight of what you loved about each other, before you became parents
Even if you’re having sex it’s important to maintain intimacy with your partner. Make sure you’re still kissing each other (and not just quick hi and bye pecks either!), cuddling, giving each other a sensuous massage or sending each other a saucy text message or two. Focus on foreplay - touching, caressing and having a bath or shower together are intimate, sexy and pleasurable but don’t need to lead to full sex if you’re not ready.
Make sure you’re still kissing each other
Sometimes referred to as Kegels, these simple exercises make a huge difference to your vaginal muscles, increase your sexual pleasure and can be done discreetly anytime and anywhere. Please see Vicky Warr’s top tips on how to improve these love muscles!
Exercise your love muscle!
You may find a loss of sensation and tightness in the vagina after having children, which can in turn affect your sexual pleasure. Try squeezing your thighs together or adopting positions where deeper penetration is reached like doggy style - rear entry sex. If you feel self-conscious about your wobbly bits, then try spooning, where your partner lies behind you to have sex. The traditional missionary position is also reassuring after you’ve had a baby - lying on your back, while your partner is on top of you can make tummy wobbles simply melt away. Also sitting astride your partner, cowgirl fashion, with your shoulders back can make even the floppiest of post baby breasts look perky once again!
The traditional missionary position can be reassuring after you’ve had a baby
The additional stress of motherhood can play havoc with our ability to have an orgasm. Being completely relaxed is essential to climaxing - not always easy when you’re exhausted or juggling work and home life. Even if you climaxed easily enough before birth, hormonal and physiological changes sometimes make this much harder post-natally. Just like your libido, the ability to climax easily will come back in time and if you’re still having fun and pleasure during sex - or simply during your intimate time - having an orgasm doesn’t really matter one bit. The last thing you want is the additional stress of fretting about that too.
If you’re still having fun, having an orgasm doesn’t really matter one bit!
All these tips and suggestions have one thing in common - they are all about reassurance, whether it’s concerning your sex drive, a good position to adopt, your post-baby body image or using an effective yet simple contraceptive method. The key issue for busy mums is not to push yourself too hard or too early into resuming a full sex life again, but to take some time to start to feel good about yourself and reconnect with your sexual self and your partner in the most enjoyable way possible.
So good luck ladies and keep reading for further advice on how to Get Busy Whilst Busy!
